The last week or so brought some of the most difficult days I've lived through. The Lord of the Manor fell seriously ill and was transported to the local hospital by ambulance. His diagnosis was both simple and complicated -a UTI.
For most people, that's serious. For him, it's deadly. We're still waiting for word as to whether or not his kidney transplant was affected. I'm actually reassured that his kidney specialist didn't blow up his phone trying to reach him.
I brought him home and he promptly pulled a stunt that landed him on the floor. Harsh words ensued. I didn't want to bring him home. I wanted him to do a stint in rehab where he would get better care.
It's not that I don't look after him, but I needed a respite. Not that anyone cared, obviously.
It's very difficult to care for someone who fights you every step of the way. I've lost some respect for him, and certainly my feelings for him took a beating. One shouldn't abuse the person who feeds you (and does a whole lot of other things for you). There will be repercussions in the coming months, although none of them will be life-threatening. Just annoying and very frustrating.
It's easy to excuse the behavior and the words by telling oneself "he was sick." He was. But I believe he counted on that and used illness to drop the filters and say things he'd thought for a long time.
In the early stages of my mother's dementia, she said things to me that I recognized as the filters giving way. She said the things she really thought about me and it hurt me deeply. The repercussion of that is that she is in a total care facility. I handle her affairs, but not her.
Will this difficult time pass? Yes. They always do. But I am already changed by it. Too many of my "what ifs" came to life this past week and the events didn't leave me where I thought they would. I'm in an entirely different space.
Sometimes a woman needs shelter when life gets too real, and the pity is when there is no shelter to be found anywhere.
The Lady of Holly Tree Manor/The Hideaway
Holly Tree Manor, The Hideaway, illness, dementia, infection, country lifestyle, rural living, healthcare, hopelessness, depression, emotional abuse
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